(Grand)parenting tip

I read this recently in relation to my Challenge of Children work this spring, so I pass it along to those who are working with children. It caught my eye since it has at its root my new phrase...empathic listening. Here it is:

When kids screw up...and they do (will) you have to remain calm. The worst thing is to model the kind of behavior that is inappropriate for them or you...hollering, etc. The second thing is to use both immediate and delayed consequences for the mistake. You see, when you stay calm and enter into a discussion the front part of the brain is used for reasoning and much less emotion gets involved and learning takes place.

Let's say that your teen comes in past curfew. You greet them at the door and calmly ask what happened (if they don't offer first.) Then empathize with their story such as..."Dad, the other kids hid my keys and it took me an hour to find them." You say, "O bummer. I bet you were frantically searching, huh? You must be really tired, so run off to bed and get a good night's sleep. TRY NOT TO WORRY about it. I will have to consult with Mom in the morning and talk to one of the other parents before I let you know what the consequences WILL BE."

Three things happened here: Empathically listening to the child, immediate consequence (Try not to worry), then delayed consequence (yet to be determined.)

When you handle it calmly they will too. When you met out the consequence in the future it will be accepted much more readily because it was done calmly; it will seem less than it really might have been (you asked them to try not to worry); they will process the situation rationally not emotionally.

Try it. See what you think.